New Years Eve Jokes Dirty
1. Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up for New Year’s. Middle age is when you’re forced to.
2. What do New Year’s parades have in common with Santa Claus? No one is ever awake to see them.
3. What is a New Year’s resolution? Something that goes in one year and out the other.
4. My New Year’s resolution is to see my cup half-full, preferably with rum, gin, vodka, or moonshine.
5. What is the digital camera’s New Year’s resolution? 1080p.
6. What do you use in the bathroom on Jan. 1 after No. 2? A New Year’s bidet.
7. What do you call someone named Stephen on Dec. 31? New Year’s Steve!
8. What do cows say on Jan. 1? “Happy Moo New Year!”
9. What’s the worst part of jogging on New Year’s Eve? The ice falling out of your drink!
10. What is corn’s favorite holiday? New Ears Eve.
11. How did Prince celebrate the new millennium? He partied like it was 1999.
12. My New Year’s resolution was to drop my bad habits, but no one likes a quitter.
13. What was the Amityville Priest’s resolution? To exorcise more.
14. What does a field grow on Jan. 1? New Year’s hay.
15. What was Dr. Frankenstein’s new year’s resolution? To make new friends.
16. What does a ghost say on Dec. 31? “Happy Boo Year!”
17. What did Che Guevara make on New Year’s Day? A New Year’s revolution.
18. What do you tell someone you didn’t see on New Year’s Eve? I haven’t seen you since last year!
19. A man asks his buddy for a cigarette. His friend quips, “I thought you made a New Year’s resolution and that you don’t smoke.” The man replied, “I’m in phase one of quitting.” Confused, his friend asked, “Phase one?” The man laughed, “Yes. I’ve quit buying.”
20. What new year’s resolution should a basketball player never make? To travel more.
Short Dirty New Years Eve Jokes
21. What does a jeweler do on Dec. 31? Ring in the New Year.
22. What was the official snack food of New Year’s Eve? Dick Clark Bar.
23. I love when they drop the ball in Times Square. It’s a nice reminder of what I did all year.
24. What is the snowman’s New Year’s resolution? To chill out more.
25. What did the cheerleaders say on New Year’s Day? Happy New Cheer!
26. Knock knock! Who’s there? Abby. Abby who? Abby New Year!
27. A woman took an afternoon nap on New Year’s Eve. When she woke up, she told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year’s present. What do you think it all means?” He replied, “Aha, you’ll know tonight!” At midnight, her husband handed her a small gift-wrapped present. Excited, she opened it quickly, but was even more surprised: In it was a book titled The Meaning of Dreams.
28. Why do birds fly south for New Year’s Eve? Because it’s too far to walk.
29. Knock knock! Who’s there? Razor. Razor who? Razor glass and toast to a happy new year.
30. What’s the easiest way to keep your New Year’s resolution to read more? Watch TV with subtitles.
31. What do criminals pay on Jan. 1? New Year’s restitution.
32. May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions.
33. An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.
34. Where can you find comedians on New Year’s Eve? Waiting on the punchline.
35. An iPhone and a firework were arrested on New Year’s Eve. One was charged and the other was let off.
New Years Eve Dirty Jokes
36. A man who had too much to drink decides to walk home on New Year’s Eve. A policeman stopped the man and asked where he was going. “I’m on my way to a lecture,” the man replied. The cop scoffed, “Who gives lectures on New Year’s Eve?” The man answered: “My wife.”
37. Why is partying in Times Square overrated? Because they drop the ball every year.
38. What do you call someone who says they know all the words to “Auld Lang Syne?” A liar.
39. Why are there so many vampires out on New Year’s Eve? For Old Fangs Time.
40. What do you say when bidding farewell on Dec. 31? “See you next year!”
41. I made a New Year’s resolution to stop procrastinating, but I’m going to wait until next year to start.
42. Where can you practice multiplication tables on New Year’s Eve? Times Square.
43. Why should you stand on just your left foot during the New Year’s Eve countdown? So you start the New Year on the right foot.
44. What does a ghoul say on Dec. 31? “Happy New Fear!”
45. What food should you avoid on New Year’s? Firecrackers.
46. What happened to the man who stole a calendar? He got 12 months!
47. What do you call always having a date for New Year’s Eve? Social Security.
48. What New Year’s resolution guarantees success? Making a resolution to break your resolution.
49. What does a caterpillar do on Jan. 1? Turns over a new leaf.
50. Did you hear about the guy who started fixing breakfast at midnight on Dec. 31? He wanted to make a New Year’s toast!